If I stop showing, its because you stopped showing you cared.
I’m tired of hearing people say I wasn’t being the happy person I was years ago. Its really time to show the world I am and will be that person again, and better.
The effort to store away and not mention it as much as I can starts today.
There’s always something deeper behind a smile.
I’ve come to realize that I enjoy expressing myself. Whether its my emotions, skills, interests, values, etc., I find myself wanting to share it. When I love, I don’t just feel it, I want to show it, and when i show it, I can come up with many ways of doing so to show how truly I am in love. Its endless what I can do when I’m passionate about something. I remember even in high school, I’d pour my heart into my projects to make sure I’ve expressed my hard work and attention to detail. I didn’t just want to get an A, I wanted my project to show how worthy it really was of an A. I’d want it to set an example for the rest, because I worked that hard and it came out that good. I’ve tried that in many other areas in my life, and it has accomplished what I’d hope for, but not always. That’s where its been hard for me, to give my all and still not be good enough. It was a hard lesson learned when I did that in my last relationship. It was obvious I was devoted and absolutely consumed. Although I did get As in the past using a similar drive, I’ve learned when doing so, you should know when to use it and what to use it for cuz it doesn’t work on everything. My last relationship served as an example. I put myself out there so much that I wasn’t sensing the reality of the situation, the fact that I always did more, and it affected me. I practically molded myself to make this person happy and when it was his turn to make an effort for me, there was always an excuse or a complaint before anything was done. At the time I thought the best effort on my part after that was to accept it as it is for now, keep molding myself as much as I could to make him happy, and hopefully things will get better from his end. Big mistake. I practically lost myself in the molding and still never got what I truly wanted. Eventually he walked away when he was fed up with me (because I eventually had many complaints and issues) and I was left with nothing, only to then gradually witness him make the effort I wanted with someone else in a short period of time. That really was a big slap to the face. By then, after so much struggle with the relationship, I had become less ambitious with everything, less expressive, and more introverted. I lost recognition of how I used to be . It felt good being so passionate and an over achiever in the past. I was happier and less afraid and ready for any obstacles. But when I threw myself whole heartedly in my last relationship and did everything I never thought I would to make it a success, to then coming out with nothing but betrayal, I felt like a turtle that just wanted to stay cooped up in a shell forever. It really was a big blow. Lately I’ve been able to break out of the shell though. I started expressing myself more by trying to show the person I used to be and trying to be the happy me always. And to be honest, I am happier. I started realizing that there wasn’t anything truly wrong with how devoted I was, I just didn’t do things with logic. Because he wasn’t doing near the same for me, the relationship was unbalanced and doomed for disaster because I was unhappy with how he was with me in return. I felt like I did so much and for him to do the same seemed like nothing but a burden. It sparked insecurities in me that was so destructive, a finale to it all was inevitable. I’ll never regret how I was though cuz I know I’m a better person because of what I learned from that experience. All i can do now is be back to the passionate and driven person I know I used to be and enhance the positivity I know people enjoy about me. And when the time comes for another relationship, I’ll just have to make sure the scale is being evenly weighed on both ends. Everybody can learn from their experience, and I plan on doing just that.
Nothing is ever forgotten. Its just stored in a place until one of your senses triggers a memory. It might be pleasant, happy, or dreadful, but one thing for sure is that it meant something for it to still come around.
Going to see Nervo turned out to be a blessing. Thank you serendipity, it really was a fortunate surprise. I think you’ve knocked the sense in me that I needed left.
I feel like such an idiot. I need to accept reality. I’m just a person from his past, nothing more. His present and fantasies are occupied by someone else now. While I long for a fairytale, he’s building his own with someone else. I have to stop forgetting how he was with me. How wrong, how inconsiderate, how careless he was about my world. How he left me and used me until there was no need to even talk to me after finding someone else. Its a nightmare to think sometimes. Having flashbacks of all the moments I had with him and then all the times I’ve witnessed the effort he’s making now for someone else. Its not fair. He claimed he made his best effort with me when we were together. I knew it wasn’t, but I believed him anyway. And now that things are over and time has passed, I have proof that what he couldn’t do for me is made easier with someone else, again. I don’t know why I cling on to this torture. Its evident that he wasn’t good to me most of the time. It just hurts so bad having to witness a happiness so quickly on his end with someone else after screwing me over so badly. All I ever had was love for him and a wanting to be with him, and all I ever got was accusations, criticisms, and rejections to then have to deal with him choosing someone else after he was done using me. Whats one of the last things he says after everything? “stay out of my life.” Of course that’s what he’s going to say when he’s happy with someone elae. Has he spoken to me since? Of course not. If the pattern follows like anything he’s done before, I’m permanently cut off and I won’t hear from him ever again. I just want his memory and what he does now to just not phase me anymore. I guess that’s how you know you really love someone is when you can’t let go even when you try to, so badly, after so long. Its really about time that I stop or for something to happen to make it stop. “You’re in his past and you’re not on his mind because she’s in his present.” That’s all I have to keep repeating to myself. There’s no more need to be consumed by his memory if I’m not even slightly on his anymore. I can’t let myself feel this way any further. What’s done is done.